Hitting 20 made me feel a change in my life and so I’m starting a new chapter you can find at:
My most sparkley of wishes,
If you’re sat there reading this thinking the same as me; if your face has ever lit up about something. if your words have ever become so filled with passionate anger or you’re speaking with your arms more loudly than your words or not even using words at all but changing the world with a smile…You are the most beautiful people I know! I do not care whether you are old or young, fat or thin whether you have a scar on your face or a scar I can’t see as long as something you do is more than just about the external!
This beautiful girl sums it up…
I grew up with music, it surrounded me but until I hit my teenage years and started buying random indie movies I never really got into it. The first most influcial thing I ever watched was pushing daisies. This taught me love was not about sex, or touching it was about just being with another human being who is meant to be there for you.
I feel in love with love, I realised I was an endless romantic. I’ve tried just being, just having a thing for the sake of a thing…but it’s not my thing.
Reaching for my phone, he’s gone to the bathroom. A second date in a romantic place with a person who I like but is not meant for me.
Since I was fifteen years old I’ve been in love with love. A hopeless romantic in a world full of people checking their phones.
Writing letters and baking cookies and being the furthest thing from a feminist one could perhaps imagine.
Then 4 months ago two catastrophic blows and my love, quite literally dissolved.
I’m emerging in a world like an alcoholic removed from liquor but it’s brighter, the colours have just change:
”Fiercely independent”…yeah I’ve heard it but my trust, well, you haven’t quite earned it.
I walk from the restaurant, third date, well you blew that. But, that’s because you said dude, I could tap that.
Just because I’m single and just because you paid for drinks,
this doesn’t mean for a moment I’ll respond to your winks.
I love being in love and you have to respect me,
because when you see that look in someone’s eyes it’ll just be.
I’m emerging in a world, single girl, ready to stand,
but that doesn’t mean if you offer it I won’t take your hand.
You’re scared, your scarred and it’s any excuse,
You can’t be a man so what’s the use.
If your heart isn’t real then be honest, no big deal,
because when I see you often I’m going to start to feel.
When I say I don’t love, you, don’t like you, don’t feel it,
Whatever it is you want to say please don’t conceal it.
Eventually, tomorrow, a year from now,
if you take in my words, let them in, let them heal,
because one day when you’re scared you might ruin something real.
I am strong but I’m lovely,
so don’t think that you’re above me,
when you hide your emotions and heart,
I’ll love, even more, the time apart.
Love, We’ll see, because for now I won’t just be,
I’m more alive than ever so you can earn your forever.
I arrived home in the later hours of Sunday, started to unpack and fell asleep next to the mountain of clothes I had accumulated in my year away.
Day one saw new shoes, too many errands but a happy pile of book situate their selves in the space that wasn’t being used for my unpacking.
Day 2 was back to work and a lot of happily consuming literature…
So here we are in day three and I’ve just finished my first book, ”Just a Girl Standing In Front Of a Boy” by Lucy-Anna Holmes
I picked it up thinking it would just be chick literature, something light-hearted and, don’t get me wrong, it very much was but as predictable as the content there was no end to the smile on my face when each thing happened.
The story was a beautiful set of words that you could take so many life affirming things from. And from those pages this is what I took:
- Don’t ever settle: Sometimes it’s easy to be with someone, but sometimes they’re just not the right person for you. Look at your relationship and ask yourself are they as good for you as maybe you are to them and what do you mean to them. Two people means two sides and just like every cliche Ying and Yang story you’ve ever read you really do need balance.
- Love your best friends: You don’t always realize they’re there but they’re the ones you can ring up and rely on to cheer you up when you need it. More so when you don’t even have to ask. Be the rainbow to someone’s grey cloud and show them you love them.
- Don’t just stop with your friends. Anonymous acts of kindness like strangers writing letters or matchmaking or generally helping each other out is what I live to see. Jenny’s Manifesto in the book see’s her carrying around a holdall in preparation with stationary and all sorts of things that she can use to brighten peoples day. Just google random acts of kindness and you will be shocked at how wonderful people can be.
- Appreciate the little things in life: I say it all the time but when the main character and her mum go to the beach the descriptive prowess of the author is wonderful in the simplicity.
- Finally, Make sure someone knows what you really love so if you die you’re sorted. It sounds morbid, it is a little but I do not want a wake in a golf club…no thank you!
Loving being back in the world of books I’m going to disappear once more, this one has been a beautiful tale of everyday extraordinary.
Goodbye for now,
It’s been a year.
More precisely it will be 8 months and 16 days until I moved in.
Yet here I am divided, the day I’m most looking forward to, the day I move out.
I’ve had some fun. I’ve met some interesting people. More than anything I’ve poured myself into work.
Now, on the eve of my last exam my mind couldn’t be further from justice or morality, it’s on the way I always feel when things are about to change. When I have to say goodbye to a room and shut the door and lock the key. When dropping it into the box I create one, nicely labelled with it’s name; I tuck it away in a section, I deem in my mind, to be fitting.
I leave behind people I hold dear and some I would not care if I never saw again.
I’m a little bit heartbroken.
But I have to watch this sunset, I have to stand in it as the light eases out of the sky and the dark clouds fill my sight, because this is the last time in this place I will see it. This marks another end and a new beginning.
It marks the start of a big decision and thoughts of rolling down those blinds remind me of each night I sat watching the only countryside in view from the city, birds flying above as tears occasionally fell, in some part of my mind I’d discovered what regret was.
I never could bear a goodbye, I haven’t felt warm or anything but sadness in days. It’s like a funny type of grief that consumes me.
We all have secrets, but it’s time to close my blinds.
Goodnight, To a new tomorrow.
For once I was not led by the ingrained voice of my mother, I was led by my own.
Walking down the busy street into town in a morning I regularly see the same homeless guy. He always looks clean enough and rarely says anything. Every time I walk into town I wish I had something I could give to him, every time I’m walking back with food shopping or something he’s gone.
Today was different, it was nearly 5pm and he was still there wrapped in a duvet that couldn’t be doing much at all to keep him sheltered from the pouring rain that has been drenching everyone through today.
My mother always said never to give them money, they’d just use it for drugs she’d say. But then I considered the term them. The people, just like ourselves that maybe made a bad mistake or worse took a risk that landed them without a roof in the middle of a storm.
I’d checked the change in my pocket, thinking I’d buy some fruit with it on my way to the bus stop. £3.20 wasn’t much but I decided fruit was no longer what it was for. He said ‘Thank you have a lovely day’ looking generally surprised when I leaned down and said ”excuse me, it’s not much but it should get you a coffee’ and handed him the money. What a hopeless thing to say afterwards I thought, I don’t know what he will spend it on but I don’t think my first priority would be coffee. Heck, in this weather I don’t think I’d care if my mother was right and he did spend it on alcohol or worse. It’s abysmal weather; he doesn’t get to look forward to coming home putting on his dressing gown or finishing up with a year of education. The thought nearly made my slightly emotional self tear up. I wandered through Tesco wondering what that money could really accomplish above my expensive habit of Costa Coffee and decided that today my entire meal would cost no more.
The important thing went beyond the money, or what he’d spend it on, or my decision to empty my pocket in the first place. The important thing here is that I stopped for a moment to consider that guy was a human being the same as I, and the lady in her high heels fresh from the office and the man in the polished suit with his Bluetooth earpiece.
We live in a society where every step we take we are surrounded by wealth and through ignorance or shame or any number of things we don’t want to recognize the people at the bottom of the food chain.
It’s easy to say they made their bed and they have to lie in it, but no-one should have to sit in a damp duvet in the pouring rain.
Even if you don’t have money, if you walk past a homeless person regularly or even occasionally at least smile or say something, anything.
Remember even though in modern countries where houses are built everyday and a person still cannot get a job without a fixed address there shouldn’t be people sleeping on the street, we can still respect that they are human beings.
My optimism of the day is not how fortunate I am. I don’t consider I did something good and I didn’t do it to make myself feel better. My optimism is that I did it. And even if it doesn’t do much I acknowledged that he is a human being just as much as I’m trying to be human.
We can wander around individually ignoring that sometimes people need a little help or just something to brighten their day, or we can do whatever we can about it. It’s so easy to keep our heads down, not just with homeless people but with people who need help in public or even when our friends are going through something that might not be big to you but is like a part of their world collapsing to them.
It’s about recognizing that we’re all kind of the same and we are all able to do something about it.
Look up because otherwise you’ll never see the sunshine on a day like today, see what’s around you and you might make a difference.
I’m breaking the mold.
Normally I’d bring you poetry or a story or some perhaps lightly too-subverted philosophy hidden in shoes.
But today is not only Sunday but exactly a week before I get to go home for the summer!
I haven’t started packing, in fact, right now I’m sat with my elbows resting on a mind map of free will and determinism trying to decide what I believe in for my exam tomorrow. Also thinking that I already have too many thoughts floating around my head as the green tea kicks in and another beautiful day shines through my window…if only I could get internet at the park!
What I have decided is a list of things I’m going to do this summer:
It starts with a complicated question:
Deciding where my heart belongs.
I work full time over summer, or a I like too so that leaves my end of summer savings with two options. I buy a car and drive off into the countryside with a new found year-long freedom or I buy a return plane ticket for a month in Canada exploring places I’ve always wanted to see in an environment I’ve heard rumor is utterly friendly! Snow Sports and Smiley faces or Picnics and a whole two years of adventure.
So From there it begins…
Me, Myself and I
- I’m going to grow my hair out! Ever had that daydream where you’re running through a cornfield field your long blonde hair flickering around alongside your flowing dress, bangles harmonizing with the birds and crickets in the sunset? No? just me then. I live in a place of great natural beauty and I am determined that one day soon I will resist another bob cut and let my golden blonde hair return to some natural (or assisted…for those of us with poker straight hair) beach-waved glory.
- I’m taking up meditation. I do it every summer, but this year I want to meditate outside of my room. In a field, on a hill, heck even on a quiet road if the mood should take me.
- Looking outwards I also want to do something good. Living in a city has made me realize a lot, every day I walk past a homeless person or see stray animals and it makes me sad to live in a world where those in power do nothing about it. So I’m going to do something. Even if that means buy a single sandwich and giving it to a homeless guy or calling animal protection to help a stray cat, I might even try and find time between work to help out an old-person. Who knows, but I am writing it down to know that I will!
- From helping out others to helping around my own house. I’m about to turn an age I want to hide from, I already have a lot of responsibilities but that also means I feel responsible to help out at home. From cleaning to painting to helping my grandparents with their gardening I’m going to have the time to give something back.
Dora The Explorer said what about me? There is room in this town for the both of us!
So this is my adventure section and it all depends on a few things. First, Whether or not I’m getting a car. If I do then hey Scotland! If not then it’s still looking pretty fun. But here’s what I’m hoping:
- Seeing a concert in Manchester. My Best friend and one of my awesome guy friends both live in Manchester and despite regular visits exploring the beautiful north quarter and restaurants I’ve never seen a band there. But this time it gets serious, I’m helping my friend meet someone…I love new people so this may be my most exciting challenge yet!
- Going to the train station and choosing a destination on the day, with my trusty adventure backpack. Even if it’s jsut an hour down the road I want to see as many new places as possible; days off are rare and I’m certain even though I’ve seen everywhere withing a 15 mile radius there are places I have yet to explore. Nottingham, Liverpool or even further afield to somewhere like brighton or up north to yorkshire for the day!
- Picnicking in the remote countryside. I have a vision of driving into the countryside, vintage red convertible making a vroom as my headscarf flips about in the wind and a handsome man in a sweater and shirt is sat next to me…now I’m being realistic when I say there is little to no chance of this happening. I am more like to get a bus to the nearest remote village and walk until I find a field with a patterned picnic box rather than the wicker one with polka dot inside of my dreams. I’m also probably going to take a book instead of a person…why waste a nice day risking someone ruining your peace with the speakers you didn’t realize they brought.
- Beekeeping. From the people I know who call me bee to those who have only briefly met me, most know that one day I want to be a beekeeper. I love honey bees, from their work ethic to their defense within the hive and the instant karma of their attack. So this summer I aim to find somewhere that will let me try it out. There will be pictures of myself with a smile bigger than a beekeeping helmet!
- Visiting a stately home. I’m still young but I love history. Since the age of 15 when I went to Castle Howard in Yorkshire I have loved stately homes. I love the random artifacts old houses would collect in days long ago, their origins and finding the people who can tell me the stories!
‘Let’s go out late, drink a lot, stay up past ten and then dance, dance all night. Leave our boyfriends behind’
This one is simple, even though my hometown is small, most of my best friends are staying where they now live for summer. So I’m going to make new friends, say hello to old acquaintances and have the sort of nights that you’d usually want to end on a beach as the sun rises. Saying hi to people isn’t that hard and once you find a common ground the world is your oyster. I am separated from all that’s familiar but that’s an opportunity!
I’m going to run a marathon, but first:
- I must, I must, I must improve my…erm, fitness?! Last summer I was making a 6-minute mile on the treadmill and despite the current odd attempt to run I’m in slightly less shape presently. On the bright side if you carried a doughnut in front of me, I would not move faster…you’d need a yoghurt!
- Eating like a lean mean running machine…well, not literally! If I ate like a running machine I would be living off dust so I’m going to exist on fruit, vegetables and a lovely amount of lean meat.
- A small amount of weight loss, a lot of toning and a more optimistic disposition from all those lovely endorphin’s.
- The conclusion. By the end of summer I really am hoping to be half-marathon ready, but it’s going to be hard work. I can do this!
You ordered what off Etsy? Ooops.
I’m a terrible shopper. That’s all there is too it but lately I’ve been really good so today I bought some new brown cowgirl boots and a bumblebee necklace to go with a green bohemian dress…It may have been a lot but I still spent under £30 so I’m proud.
This section is less a bucket list of what I want but what I want to achieve with what I do get.
- Buy my mum something she can keep for however long forever is, because she did the same for me. For my 19th Christmas my amazing mum brought me a teardrop necklace that is just beautiful. I literally never take it off. So with part of my savings this summer I want to return the favour. Not necessarily with jewelry but something beautiful, vintage or even hand-crafted that will last.
- Get my belly button pierced. For a while I’ve been self-conscious about my body. It’s time to stop that and to do so I’m going to accessorize. It’s less about the thing I buy and more about what it’s going to stand for. I will get my abs back some day but for now I am content with all the hard-work I have put in to get a flat tummy and I want to wear a crop top, just for one day, even if it’s in a new place.
- Find something entirely me. When you’re snowed under with work it’s something easy to shop and maintain a status-quo, buy what everyone else buys until one day you wake-up and realize you don’t look much different to everyone else. I have a strong love of vintage and really want a backpack or bracelet or even a hair slide, something I can use daily to remind me of something I love that makes me smile.
Where Did I put my Paint Brushes? and Why are my books so dusty?
Do I need to say anymore? My kimono wants to be involved in something beautiful and creative and heck, so do I! In with the dungarees and headbands, out with the suits and stilettos…unless I’m painting something tall.
- I want to alter or tie-dye everything in my wardrobe I don’t love but still want. By the end of this summer I want a select amount of things that I love entirely from fit to colour.
- I want to build something. Whether it be putting up some shelves or making one of the many things on my Pinterest boards. It’s time to persuade my grandpa to let my use his tool box!
- Painting! I want to paint a canvas as a present for someone. And then another for the wall in my very first house next year!
- Baking a cake that looks like a book. Aside from working on my recipes I want to decorate a cake so it either has a book interwoven into its design or actually looks like a book.
- Finishing a book. I filter through text after text but never really read much. I’ve recently fallen in love with F.Scott Fitzgerald so my aim is to inhale one of his works.
- Finally, I want to write. About each and every one of the above things to share with you lovely bloggers what I have achieved and done, not just for myself but to inspire you to make the most of every moment. To Summer and beyond!
I must now depart, back to the literal drawing board of my work, this interlude putting that little extra curve to my handwriting. A week, that’s it, and I’m free…or am I?
Happy Sunday my dearest bloggers,
Look at your shoes, do they reflect who you are?
Can you run through a field with freedom pushing you forward or walk through the city street with some reverberation reminding you of you you are and how powerful you can be.
You are grounded by those feet and guided by those eyes so both should be appeased by what what you see when you look to the ground beyond the dusty pavement and muddy grass.
Do they make you feel taller than those buildings, higher than the clouds with a spring in your step and a smile on your face?
If they don’t then it’s time to go shopping.
This isn’t just about your footwear.
You are not wear you wear, but you are how it makes you feel and act.
Sundays are a beautiful day to go out and start finding yourself, starting with those shoes and working your way up to the smile on your face when you find something just right for you.
You are all beautiful people!
Will I stay?
Will I allow myself to be torn apart by words I learn and thoughts that are not mine by those who crave the appeal of skin over mind.
Is my memory to serve more than the lines I carve on blank pages in the depth of night when it is only I and those drunken absent souls awake?
What then of creativity, of romance and passion going to waste not in the twilight but in the absence.
Where am I to stand in these times, frustrated.
My heart lives in a thousand pieces each residing in fragments of my life both future and past but very little is left or wishes to reside in the now with these harsh concrete walls, multi-purpose floors and baron doors.
The personalities encased hidden in drawers not displayed for the eyes, the minds locked away. The feelings confused by what they have seen and what because of it they can never be sure to know.
And what then of love? are its past labors lost unto a new generation of dwindling romantics tied to an age they don’t really find belonging in?
My days of walks and wooing shall not be forgotten. Not while I breathe but I feel that age in this place must now cease.
Summer awaits and so does the time to open my arms to my own discovery.
A voyage of a new kind awaits, it’s time to lay my own foundations beyond the papers of opinion and attempted confinement of chaos.
Set Sail to a new day to begin the life you’ve always imagined!